Random thoughts

My mind has been all over the place lately. I decided to capitalize on the 20 minutes before my class (more like procrastinate) to post some stuff that reflects how I've been feeling lately.

I'm Back!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the interweb I have returned!

    So much has happened since I last posted on October 4, 2011. So freaking much. Ahhhh. I know why alot of things happened and some things will always be a mystery to me.

     I realized that I need a space to vent. To get out what I feel. I'm not afraid to have people read it. In fact I think it may help people understand  me better. I would really like that. So join me friends as I re-enter the world of blogging. Idk how consistent i'll be lol but i'll be posting. It can be pictures or quotes or a pure stream of consciousness. Sometimes i'll be happy, others really sad. Opinions are totally welcomed! I just ask you be constructive. Please!!!

abrazos y besos
Maryann <3 p="">

Words of Wisdom

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Sober-Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up


Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers 

I know who I am.

 I know who I am. I can say that with certainty. I have been silent on this blog since January and now want to share some of what I have been thinking.

I've been through a lot these past two years. Some may say its nothing, but to me it was a lot. The main theme was DOUBT, more specifically self-doubt. Since about age 12, I may have been one of the most insecure people someone could meet. Now I am 23 and am definitely  no longer that way. I feel stronger and happier than I ever have. It doesn't always show because I have been under a lot of stress, but its true. No matter what happens I know that there are people I can rely on and that things will ultimately get better.

I guess my main point on this blog is to say to myself and everyone that I am 100% over the past. All the moments I was upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, depressed are fading away. All the people who I felt hurt me or put me down are forgiven. I know my encounters with them served to make me a stronger, wiser, more patient and more understanding person. Yesterday, I taught the kids at my job that "You can never understand someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes." Maybe every heartache I went through was just the result of a misunderstanding. People not being able to fully recognize what the other was going through. We are human. It happens. I learned from everyone and hope they learned something from me. I've learned that to hold a grudge means to continue holding on to the negativity those situations brought. Even if you get away from something/someone the emotions can follow you. Everyone owes it to themselves a release from past sorrows. That is my vow to myself. I am letting go. I can see all the good in my life clearer now.

I know I am strong, intelligent, silly, passionate, creative, compassionate, sensitive, etc. I accept all my strengths and all my flaws. Without that I would not be me. I feel myself approaching my future with confidence. Thank God. I am approaching the people I love knowing that they see all the good in me too. That they truly do mean it when they say they love me. Thank God!

I know who I am and I know I'm on the path to being who I want to be.

Thank you to all the incredible people who have always been there for me with all their love, advice, reality checks, laughs, smiles, and so much more.

Inevitable?

“Hahahaha yeaa right I’m not going!” That’s exactly how I felt each time someone asked me if I was going to the Bull & Oyster Roast (huge/classy alumni event at Loyola for those who may not know). I know it sounds really bad, but it’s the truth. A combination of things kept me from going. The memories I have from last year were what made me the most certain that I did not want to go back. At least not this year.

As adamant as I was then, I kind of wish I was going. There are tons of amazing people I would have loved to see and would have had a great time catching up with. I also can’t believe I turned down oysters, beer and wine. Silly me! I find myself missing Rob, Sammy, Jocelyn, Michelle, Laurette, Alejandro, Amanda, Kat, Maddi, Hayley, Ash, Carl, Paula, Zaneta and so many people that if I mentioned them I could fill this page. As much as it sucks, I am grateful to be able to look back on my Loyola experience and find that so many wonderful people are a part of my life. More importantly, I know that no matter how many months/ years I am out of college I will always feel connected to them. I think it’s a sign that I have officially let go of the pain from last year. I remember thinking that I would avoid any idea of B&O, especially the day of. Today, I feel nostalgic and excited to see everyone’s pictures and hear about the crazy fun that everyone will have tonight. I guess it’s one of many examples that no matter how embarrassed, upset, pissed, confused you feel at one moment in life, you move past it. You can only hope that God blesses you with more good times/ people than sucky ones. I can attest that he has in mine.

Although I wish a lot of last year turned out differently, I learned a lot; way more than the tall-tale signs that “he’s just not that into you.” LOL.

I learned to be honest with and present to those around me, no matter what I’m going through. Truthfully, it took a few rough times in N.C to fully realize that one. As much as I want to withdraw to my own thoughts because that’s my trusty defense mechanism, I found how lonely and disconnected it leaves me feeling. I’ve always felt like you have to keep what hurts you a secret. There’s an incredible connection that comes from letting someone else know you trust them. There’s an incredible freedom in sharing what burdens you. When you finally get things off your chest, you can return to everything around you. I know that for me the important thing to remember is that “getting it off your chest” does not necessarily mean that you will feel 100% better or that you will forget what happened. I have a habit of confusing forgetting about something with feeling better about it. What happens to you will always be part of you and to run away from it just means you avoid learning some great, albeit hard to accept, lessons.

I’m also starting to get the feeling that once you start accepting the things that happened to you; the better you are at accepting who you are. To go into how hard that has been for me, would require a book not a blog. If you can’t understand or accept why you feel what you feel, how can you express it? If you can’t accept or love yourself, how can someone else? Worse, how do you believe they love you or want the opportunity to get to know you? If you stay withdrawn long enough, can people just give up on you? Will ever get that opportunity back? If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, how can expect others to be? It is far too difficult to try to be someone else or try and gauge who other want you to be.

The funniest part is that everyone around you is just waiting for “YOU.” I can name countless moments that would have gone a lot better if I had just been myself. Awhile ago, I concluded that things are most beautiful in their natural state. I hope (my New Year’s resolution?) is to never forget that.

Last year, I spent a lot of time thinking of ways to make myself better for someone else. I spent a lot of time thinking of what I might be lacking. It is definitely not the case this year, not even close. While I’m forced to look at my flaws, I am equally challenged to find my gifts. Not just find them but accept and hone them. Perhaps, I’ll find the level of self-confidence and self-acceptance I have been searching for? I know that I will never be perfect, that not everyone I encounter will like me, and that hard times are, inevitably, ahead. All I can do is to be present in the moment, remember what I have learned, accept new lessons, be aware of the support around me and never forget who I am.

This is def one of those blogs when I just rambled, but I needed the time to stop and see how far I have come. Thanks for reading :)

Questions and Concerns

 What does it mean to be safe? To be happy? To feel accepted? Should you feel happy, safe, and accepted all at the same time? Who will make you feel all those wonderful things? Should it be someone else’s responsibility? Everyone can say “You can’t wait for others to make you happy?” And I agree. What about safe? Accepted?


Do I sound a little confused? In the past two months I have done a mix of running away from my thoughts and trying to make sense of them and, most importantly, trying to figure out why I feel the way I do to begin with. Trying to get things straight has been a serious process and has left me feeling really disconnected, which is why I have not written. I apologize to everyone who was actually reading my blog (love you Gina hehe).

I guess I’ll pick up where I left off. As I previously mentioned, part of my job is to monitor the transition of some patients as they move from one psychiatric hospital to another. I am pleased and relieved to say that a majority of the patients have been moved. Last I spoke to them, they all seemed to be doing well. They were happy the hospital was clean and that the rooms were big. We walked around to check out their rooms and most of them were already making them their own. The lst time I visited was two weeks before Chirstmas. I knew by the time I came back the honeymoon period would be over and was nervous to hear what they would say. Fortunately,  I visited last week and learned they were all doing well. But some concerns remained. What the old hospital lacked in terms of beauty, it made up for with programming. From what I learned, the staff treated them like family and the classes really allowed them to express and enjoy themselves. It’s not that the new hospital doesn’t have activities for the patients; it’s just not to the same degree. The patients are used to things a certain way and I keep thinking about how they are adapting.

What would you want? You are so sick other people do not trust that you can control yourself. Unfortunately, these people aren’t a few “haters” but your doctors and social worker, the people making most of your decisions. Would you take the older building where you are happy or the fancy new one where you and the people helping you are unsure of what is going on?

My answer is…neither. Sure, I have created a family/community of my own but I would rather these people be my neighbors on a “normal” street in a “normal” neighborhood. Essentially, that’s what most; if not all, all the clients I work with want. I am talking about everyone with a disability. If they are not living in psychiatric hospital, it’s a facility. Who wants their lives controlled by someone else? I know being in a facility can be seen a good thing, at least it’s a roof. But how many roofs can one person go in and out of? As “normal” people most of us have the luxury of saying “Leave me alone” to those who are trying to control us. This kind of reaction from someone in a facility may lead to punishment or eviction. Finding a home after that is way more complicated than necessary, not to mention more than what most people have to deal with. How many waiting lists can one state have for housing? How many waiting lists can one person be on before they find a home? I’ll let you know when I find out.

How safe and accepted would you feel? Safe? You’re afraid history will repeat itself. Accepted? Your own state claims it does not have enough money to help you out. Accept? Some of the people in your state view you as a criminal and do not see the need for you to have a home of your own. You are viewed as too fragile, sick, etc to be truly independent. Accepted? Safe?

I really do wonder how the people I work with have the faith, patience, and courage I’ve seen in them all.They must know something better awaits them or have a peace with God, themselves, and the world I can, at this point, only admire.

Perspective

That one word has been in my head the last two weeks. It makes all the difference whether it’s interpreting someone’s intentions or trying to understanding a tough situation.

When we first starting having community dinners, I would listen to my roommates talk about all their clients, and I began to miss my person-person contact. Up until my placement I didn’t really know anything else. I started my work with people who have disabilities at Adult Camp and went into Speech-Path where client-contact is crucial. Before things got really busy at the office, I wondered if I would have preferred a placement at a group home/facility. But every day in my office, I learn that in the world of disabilities direct-client work is not always as I remember it. What would happen if I worked at a place DRNC monitored or was going to sue? What if my co-workers at a home did not understand how amazing people with disabilities can be? What if that job was not their passion, and he/she was just there for the money? I know how probable all that is, but with people who need so much care, acceptance, and RESPECT the need to understand their rights, the laws, and who they are as individuals is so important. I like to remember people with disabilities are just different. They need help here and there, but are just like everyone else. At least all that is just my perspective.

This belief was only strengthened after visiting Dorothea Dix,a hospital that provides psychiatric care in Raleigh. One of my co-workers is an advocate there and asked if I wanted to monitor with her another woman in our office. I immediately said yes! I was excited but kind of nervous. I had no idea what to expect. The campus is gorgeous and the building is a historical landmark. The inside of the building, however, was so dreary. The walls had very little art work and the rooms did not have many decorations. If this place is someone’s home for the time he or she is there, shouldn’t it be designed in away to make him/her feel comfortable? Shouldn’t there be pictures and walls with warm/welcoming colors? Why does the fact that it’s a hospital have to change anything? People are not just there for surgery some people have been there for a few years. The building was the most disheartening part of my trip, not the people. In fact, they were my favorite part. They were all so great! Dix is closing so my co-worker is closely tracking the transition for a lot of the patients. A lot of them did not know where they were going, and each had mixed feelings about where they wanted to be placed. One patient commented she wanted to go “home.” Who wouldn’t want to? It was upsetting knowing that for many people it was not an option. What they had to look forward to was another hospital or a shelter. I know that there are tons of things about the people I met today that I will never know, but they were really all welcoming, friendly, and articulate. I want to eliminate the idea that just because they are in this type of institution they could not effectively communicate what they wanted and deserved. It made me rethink the idea of an institution all together. If there is a way to keep people in their homes and communities, then I really do feel it should be done. Every time I go out and meet the people DRNC helps I begin to understand their mission statement and visions tons more.

The reality is that even the most normal looking; healthy person has something going on. Within each of us there is something that is different. Maybe something broken, fragile, not quite put back together the right way. I’ve done the very scary thing and looked to see what is “different/missing” in me. For my own privacy, I would rather keep it to myself. I will say a lot of it stems from the “standards” that I have put on myself or that others have. Growing up I always felt I had to be one way. I always felt that people expected me to be a certain way. I did whatever I thought would keep the peace or other people happy. I’m a place now where I am questioning that. Although JVC is all about facing those inner conflicts, I’m worried about finding out where these feelings will lead me. I’m still learning how I am going to apply a lot of what I’ve been thinking about. I guess I can only hope fro the best and trust in God. Sometimes, you reach a point when that’s all you can do.

I do think it’s ironic that I’m dedicating my life to eliminating labels for others when I’ve hidden behind labels my entire life. It’s interesting to know the kind of impact one or two words can have on someone. I can only hope that one day “Maryann” will mean exactly what I want it to mean.