Words of Wisdom

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Sober-Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up


Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers 

I know who I am.

 I know who I am. I can say that with certainty. I have been silent on this blog since January and now want to share some of what I have been thinking.

I've been through a lot these past two years. Some may say its nothing, but to me it was a lot. The main theme was DOUBT, more specifically self-doubt. Since about age 12, I may have been one of the most insecure people someone could meet. Now I am 23 and am definitely  no longer that way. I feel stronger and happier than I ever have. It doesn't always show because I have been under a lot of stress, but its true. No matter what happens I know that there are people I can rely on and that things will ultimately get better.

I guess my main point on this blog is to say to myself and everyone that I am 100% over the past. All the moments I was upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, depressed are fading away. All the people who I felt hurt me or put me down are forgiven. I know my encounters with them served to make me a stronger, wiser, more patient and more understanding person. Yesterday, I taught the kids at my job that "You can never understand someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes." Maybe every heartache I went through was just the result of a misunderstanding. People not being able to fully recognize what the other was going through. We are human. It happens. I learned from everyone and hope they learned something from me. I've learned that to hold a grudge means to continue holding on to the negativity those situations brought. Even if you get away from something/someone the emotions can follow you. Everyone owes it to themselves a release from past sorrows. That is my vow to myself. I am letting go. I can see all the good in my life clearer now.

I know I am strong, intelligent, silly, passionate, creative, compassionate, sensitive, etc. I accept all my strengths and all my flaws. Without that I would not be me. I feel myself approaching my future with confidence. Thank God. I am approaching the people I love knowing that they see all the good in me too. That they truly do mean it when they say they love me. Thank God!

I know who I am and I know I'm on the path to being who I want to be.

Thank you to all the incredible people who have always been there for me with all their love, advice, reality checks, laughs, smiles, and so much more.

Inevitable?

“Hahahaha yeaa right I’m not going!” That’s exactly how I felt each time someone asked me if I was going to the Bull & Oyster Roast (huge/classy alumni event at Loyola for those who may not know). I know it sounds really bad, but it’s the truth. A combination of things kept me from going. The memories I have from last year were what made me the most certain that I did not want to go back. At least not this year.

As adamant as I was then, I kind of wish I was going. There are tons of amazing people I would have loved to see and would have had a great time catching up with. I also can’t believe I turned down oysters, beer and wine. Silly me! I find myself missing Rob, Sammy, Jocelyn, Michelle, Laurette, Alejandro, Amanda, Kat, Maddi, Hayley, Ash, Carl, Paula, Zaneta and so many people that if I mentioned them I could fill this page. As much as it sucks, I am grateful to be able to look back on my Loyola experience and find that so many wonderful people are a part of my life. More importantly, I know that no matter how many months/ years I am out of college I will always feel connected to them. I think it’s a sign that I have officially let go of the pain from last year. I remember thinking that I would avoid any idea of B&O, especially the day of. Today, I feel nostalgic and excited to see everyone’s pictures and hear about the crazy fun that everyone will have tonight. I guess it’s one of many examples that no matter how embarrassed, upset, pissed, confused you feel at one moment in life, you move past it. You can only hope that God blesses you with more good times/ people than sucky ones. I can attest that he has in mine.

Although I wish a lot of last year turned out differently, I learned a lot; way more than the tall-tale signs that “he’s just not that into you.” LOL.

I learned to be honest with and present to those around me, no matter what I’m going through. Truthfully, it took a few rough times in N.C to fully realize that one. As much as I want to withdraw to my own thoughts because that’s my trusty defense mechanism, I found how lonely and disconnected it leaves me feeling. I’ve always felt like you have to keep what hurts you a secret. There’s an incredible connection that comes from letting someone else know you trust them. There’s an incredible freedom in sharing what burdens you. When you finally get things off your chest, you can return to everything around you. I know that for me the important thing to remember is that “getting it off your chest” does not necessarily mean that you will feel 100% better or that you will forget what happened. I have a habit of confusing forgetting about something with feeling better about it. What happens to you will always be part of you and to run away from it just means you avoid learning some great, albeit hard to accept, lessons.

I’m also starting to get the feeling that once you start accepting the things that happened to you; the better you are at accepting who you are. To go into how hard that has been for me, would require a book not a blog. If you can’t understand or accept why you feel what you feel, how can you express it? If you can’t accept or love yourself, how can someone else? Worse, how do you believe they love you or want the opportunity to get to know you? If you stay withdrawn long enough, can people just give up on you? Will ever get that opportunity back? If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, how can expect others to be? It is far too difficult to try to be someone else or try and gauge who other want you to be.

The funniest part is that everyone around you is just waiting for “YOU.” I can name countless moments that would have gone a lot better if I had just been myself. Awhile ago, I concluded that things are most beautiful in their natural state. I hope (my New Year’s resolution?) is to never forget that.

Last year, I spent a lot of time thinking of ways to make myself better for someone else. I spent a lot of time thinking of what I might be lacking. It is definitely not the case this year, not even close. While I’m forced to look at my flaws, I am equally challenged to find my gifts. Not just find them but accept and hone them. Perhaps, I’ll find the level of self-confidence and self-acceptance I have been searching for? I know that I will never be perfect, that not everyone I encounter will like me, and that hard times are, inevitably, ahead. All I can do is to be present in the moment, remember what I have learned, accept new lessons, be aware of the support around me and never forget who I am.

This is def one of those blogs when I just rambled, but I needed the time to stop and see how far I have come. Thanks for reading :)

Questions and Concerns

 What does it mean to be safe? To be happy? To feel accepted? Should you feel happy, safe, and accepted all at the same time? Who will make you feel all those wonderful things? Should it be someone else’s responsibility? Everyone can say “You can’t wait for others to make you happy?” And I agree. What about safe? Accepted?


Do I sound a little confused? In the past two months I have done a mix of running away from my thoughts and trying to make sense of them and, most importantly, trying to figure out why I feel the way I do to begin with. Trying to get things straight has been a serious process and has left me feeling really disconnected, which is why I have not written. I apologize to everyone who was actually reading my blog (love you Gina hehe).

I guess I’ll pick up where I left off. As I previously mentioned, part of my job is to monitor the transition of some patients as they move from one psychiatric hospital to another. I am pleased and relieved to say that a majority of the patients have been moved. Last I spoke to them, they all seemed to be doing well. They were happy the hospital was clean and that the rooms were big. We walked around to check out their rooms and most of them were already making them their own. The lst time I visited was two weeks before Chirstmas. I knew by the time I came back the honeymoon period would be over and was nervous to hear what they would say. Fortunately,  I visited last week and learned they were all doing well. But some concerns remained. What the old hospital lacked in terms of beauty, it made up for with programming. From what I learned, the staff treated them like family and the classes really allowed them to express and enjoy themselves. It’s not that the new hospital doesn’t have activities for the patients; it’s just not to the same degree. The patients are used to things a certain way and I keep thinking about how they are adapting.

What would you want? You are so sick other people do not trust that you can control yourself. Unfortunately, these people aren’t a few “haters” but your doctors and social worker, the people making most of your decisions. Would you take the older building where you are happy or the fancy new one where you and the people helping you are unsure of what is going on?

My answer is…neither. Sure, I have created a family/community of my own but I would rather these people be my neighbors on a “normal” street in a “normal” neighborhood. Essentially, that’s what most; if not all, all the clients I work with want. I am talking about everyone with a disability. If they are not living in psychiatric hospital, it’s a facility. Who wants their lives controlled by someone else? I know being in a facility can be seen a good thing, at least it’s a roof. But how many roofs can one person go in and out of? As “normal” people most of us have the luxury of saying “Leave me alone” to those who are trying to control us. This kind of reaction from someone in a facility may lead to punishment or eviction. Finding a home after that is way more complicated than necessary, not to mention more than what most people have to deal with. How many waiting lists can one state have for housing? How many waiting lists can one person be on before they find a home? I’ll let you know when I find out.

How safe and accepted would you feel? Safe? You’re afraid history will repeat itself. Accepted? Your own state claims it does not have enough money to help you out. Accept? Some of the people in your state view you as a criminal and do not see the need for you to have a home of your own. You are viewed as too fragile, sick, etc to be truly independent. Accepted? Safe?

I really do wonder how the people I work with have the faith, patience, and courage I’ve seen in them all.They must know something better awaits them or have a peace with God, themselves, and the world I can, at this point, only admire.

Perspective

That one word has been in my head the last two weeks. It makes all the difference whether it’s interpreting someone’s intentions or trying to understanding a tough situation.

When we first starting having community dinners, I would listen to my roommates talk about all their clients, and I began to miss my person-person contact. Up until my placement I didn’t really know anything else. I started my work with people who have disabilities at Adult Camp and went into Speech-Path where client-contact is crucial. Before things got really busy at the office, I wondered if I would have preferred a placement at a group home/facility. But every day in my office, I learn that in the world of disabilities direct-client work is not always as I remember it. What would happen if I worked at a place DRNC monitored or was going to sue? What if my co-workers at a home did not understand how amazing people with disabilities can be? What if that job was not their passion, and he/she was just there for the money? I know how probable all that is, but with people who need so much care, acceptance, and RESPECT the need to understand their rights, the laws, and who they are as individuals is so important. I like to remember people with disabilities are just different. They need help here and there, but are just like everyone else. At least all that is just my perspective.

This belief was only strengthened after visiting Dorothea Dix,a hospital that provides psychiatric care in Raleigh. One of my co-workers is an advocate there and asked if I wanted to monitor with her another woman in our office. I immediately said yes! I was excited but kind of nervous. I had no idea what to expect. The campus is gorgeous and the building is a historical landmark. The inside of the building, however, was so dreary. The walls had very little art work and the rooms did not have many decorations. If this place is someone’s home for the time he or she is there, shouldn’t it be designed in away to make him/her feel comfortable? Shouldn’t there be pictures and walls with warm/welcoming colors? Why does the fact that it’s a hospital have to change anything? People are not just there for surgery some people have been there for a few years. The building was the most disheartening part of my trip, not the people. In fact, they were my favorite part. They were all so great! Dix is closing so my co-worker is closely tracking the transition for a lot of the patients. A lot of them did not know where they were going, and each had mixed feelings about where they wanted to be placed. One patient commented she wanted to go “home.” Who wouldn’t want to? It was upsetting knowing that for many people it was not an option. What they had to look forward to was another hospital or a shelter. I know that there are tons of things about the people I met today that I will never know, but they were really all welcoming, friendly, and articulate. I want to eliminate the idea that just because they are in this type of institution they could not effectively communicate what they wanted and deserved. It made me rethink the idea of an institution all together. If there is a way to keep people in their homes and communities, then I really do feel it should be done. Every time I go out and meet the people DRNC helps I begin to understand their mission statement and visions tons more.

The reality is that even the most normal looking; healthy person has something going on. Within each of us there is something that is different. Maybe something broken, fragile, not quite put back together the right way. I’ve done the very scary thing and looked to see what is “different/missing” in me. For my own privacy, I would rather keep it to myself. I will say a lot of it stems from the “standards” that I have put on myself or that others have. Growing up I always felt I had to be one way. I always felt that people expected me to be a certain way. I did whatever I thought would keep the peace or other people happy. I’m a place now where I am questioning that. Although JVC is all about facing those inner conflicts, I’m worried about finding out where these feelings will lead me. I’m still learning how I am going to apply a lot of what I’ve been thinking about. I guess I can only hope fro the best and trust in God. Sometimes, you reach a point when that’s all you can do.

I do think it’s ironic that I’m dedicating my life to eliminating labels for others when I’ve hidden behind labels my entire life. It’s interesting to know the kind of impact one or two words can have on someone. I can only hope that one day “Maryann” will mean exactly what I want it to mean.

One month, un mes

Ohhhhh Haiiii everyone!


So one whole month of my JVC experience has just passed by. Hmmm and what a month it has been. People weren’t kidding when they said it would be rough b/c it has been. I’ve been having UPS and downs, but they have all happened in a way that has made me rethink why I am here and what I can do to make the most of it.

As this month comes to a close what I have been thinking about most is my job. I remember being at Loyola HOPING JVC would place me at Disability Rights N.C! And lo and behold there I am today. So I’m going to breakdown what my lovely agency does. We are the protection and advocacy system for North Carolina. We provide legal and advocacy services for people with disabilities across the state. There are 1.8 million people with disabilities in N.C and we have 13 practicing attorneys. Yeaa…great math for N.C right? A lot of the counties do not have many resources. As I was doing my research, I began to notice just how scarce resources are. It’s actually really sad. It was one of the first things that struck me.

My job is to recruit people for a new volunteer program that will hopefully be a remedy to that problem. My days have been full of phone calls! Sounds kind of boring…sitting at a desk and making phone calls? But let me tell you it’s a great part of my day. I always feel this anticipation before the person picks up. Will he/she be responsive? Will this person really understand the need for our program? Some do! A lot of people have been soo nice! Some are not and those are my harder days, but I keep on with my calls . I cannot wait to see how much the program will grow!

The most thought-provoking part has been the Listening Sessions, where we go into cities way out in N.C and hear what people have to say about disability rights. That was my first day on the job. We met with 6 people at our first place and about 12 at the next site. Everyone participated and made each session so good! Unfortunately, people mostly complained about the services they were or were not receiving! You would think that because the Disability Rights movement started around the 1970s people would know what to do! But as with every other civil rights movement that seems to be the case. At work I’ve also heard some really upsetting cases. It’s all so hard to hear especially because for three years I was surrounded by women who worked their hardest to make sure people with disabilities had a way to speak up for themselves. I feel like we were always taught about stuff that happened years ago. I never imagined so of the same stories could still be told today. We learned about all these laws and a lot of people are acting like they do not exist!!! It’s so frustrating!! I’ve been thinking a lot about what my responsibility as an SLP is. I know my job is going to be important and I know it will have an impact on my patients’ lives but…..I don’t know. I really don’t know what to feel at this point. There are days when I feel like calling up Dr. S or J.P for some inspiration and to hear that what we do really does make a difference. I find myself thinking about the “Advocacy” link on ASHA and hoping that those efforts are making some sort of change. I wish everything could be answered with my PowerPoints but that’s not realistic. Lol.

I’ve also been feeling pretty homesick. I know right now I would be running around with flyers for a bunch of ALAS events…Latino Heritage Month!  And I have been getting the dance e-mails so it’s like torture. I’m hoping Zumba and Cardio Dance class will suffice my dancing cravings.

I’m hope I’m not sounding too much like a Debbi Downer bc I’m not sad. This is life and it has its fair share of frustrating and confusing moments. I did not come to JVC to have an easy year off school. I came here to challenge myself, and thus grow. And I feel like I’ve grow a lot even in this past month.

That’s month one. Stay tuned for what happens in the next eleven. Peace kids!

This week.....

I have no idea where to begin to describe this past week. The only thing I can say is that “that’s how life works.” It was a ridiculous mingling of good, bad, happy, and the saddest moments. From last Sunday to today; it’s been interesting to see how the week played out. Very interesting!


Sad. Not gonna lie I was very sad this week. I don’t mean to make this a totally upsetting blog, but I’m going to be honest with you all. I experienced the loss of someone very important to me, a man who will forever remain close to my heart and to a few very special people that I love. My second family. I cannot explain how awed I am by their strength and total faith in God. I haven’t experienced someone look to God in the way I did this week. It’s interesting that the things that inspire us about others often happen during moments they wish they were not undergoing. I am still dealing and still cry, but I know to trust the Lord for comfort. I am so fortunate to say that I have a group of amazing women who are supporting me. I would like to thank ALL of my roommates for their concern, love, and listening ears! You guys are the best!

I did mention that there were some good moments and, fortunately, I do have quite few to choose from. I’m just gonna to run down my list of highlights. Lol. Hanna, Samii and I discovered a lovely bar called the Raleigh Times. It’s really relaxed and a great place to get away for a little bit. Not to mention, time with Hanna and Samii is always great! :)

Of course, my favorite moments will include Scott and Roberta, our JVC support people. They are the most fantastic couple/ people I have EVER met. They are so down-to-earth and welcoming. They’re the kind of people you can spend hours talking to about anything! They lead us through our first spirituality night, a healing circle, which was a total success! One thing that stood out the most to me was this quote by Lao Tzu, “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” COMPARE and COMPETE. The idea that I should not, at all, be doing either of those came at the RIGHT TIME! It’s funny how that happens. :)

In true Scott and Robert and fashion, they made us think about things in a way we never would. This past Thursday, I went, with Brit and Kate, to a movie about the death penalty. It told the story about how a documentary about a girl, who was aging out of foster care, played a key role in sentencing her murderer to the death penalty. It raised a lot of questions about whether or not we have a right to choose who lives and dies. It made me question what I believe and why I believe it. If anyone is interested it will be airing on PBS this October. I’ll let y’all know the exact date. (btw I’ve yet to say y’all while speaking but for some reason it comes out when I write, moving on…. ) Of course, my time with Kate and Brit was wonderful.

My fave-fave moments of the week, involve spending time with all my girls! Soooo Ms. Jeanette from Alliance of AIDS, where Brit works, gave us a fantastic tour of Raleigh. She filled us in on the African American history of Raleigh, or as she liked to tell others “showed us a little bit of African American.” LMAO!!!!! O Ms. Jeanette! She took us to Shaw University, Lightener Funeral home, African-American History complex (I believe that was the name), a few significant neighborhoods, St. Augustine College, and THE PIT (delicious BBQ restaurant). Ms. Jeanette has lived an interesting life and told us about her experiences during and before the Civil Rights Movement. These were my fav part of the tour.

So next on this “time-line” blog, lol, is the B-MORE party! What, best time ever! Lol AWSOME job hosting Baltimore! Getting there was long, but hilarious! All thanks to HAIR JUNGLE!! Subway...Subway??? hehe. It was soooo GREAT seeing all the others JVs and hearing about their first few weeks. I was very happy I got a chance to ask my favorite question, "Do you know Eileen Blaha?" lol. I gotta say I’m a little upset Brit and I lost the dance –off. NOT OKAY! Warning: We will be better prepared next time!! :) I have to give it to our competitors; however, they killed the Bye-Bye-Bye dance! In my opinion, though, Kate takes “The Best Dancer of the Night Award.” She got down at the party. Hell yeaa Kate!!!! Lol!

After writing this blog, I feel better about my week and life in general. I guess you just have to take time and deal with what hurts without letting it blind you. At the end of the day, there is always a lot to be thankful for. Just gotta look for it. I must say that tonight’s spirituality night def. helped bring that lesson to mind. Thanks Sammi!

Until next time friends :)….Buenas Noches!