Inevitable?

“Hahahaha yeaa right I’m not going!” That’s exactly how I felt each time someone asked me if I was going to the Bull & Oyster Roast (huge/classy alumni event at Loyola for those who may not know). I know it sounds really bad, but it’s the truth. A combination of things kept me from going. The memories I have from last year were what made me the most certain that I did not want to go back. At least not this year.

As adamant as I was then, I kind of wish I was going. There are tons of amazing people I would have loved to see and would have had a great time catching up with. I also can’t believe I turned down oysters, beer and wine. Silly me! I find myself missing Rob, Sammy, Jocelyn, Michelle, Laurette, Alejandro, Amanda, Kat, Maddi, Hayley, Ash, Carl, Paula, Zaneta and so many people that if I mentioned them I could fill this page. As much as it sucks, I am grateful to be able to look back on my Loyola experience and find that so many wonderful people are a part of my life. More importantly, I know that no matter how many months/ years I am out of college I will always feel connected to them. I think it’s a sign that I have officially let go of the pain from last year. I remember thinking that I would avoid any idea of B&O, especially the day of. Today, I feel nostalgic and excited to see everyone’s pictures and hear about the crazy fun that everyone will have tonight. I guess it’s one of many examples that no matter how embarrassed, upset, pissed, confused you feel at one moment in life, you move past it. You can only hope that God blesses you with more good times/ people than sucky ones. I can attest that he has in mine.

Although I wish a lot of last year turned out differently, I learned a lot; way more than the tall-tale signs that “he’s just not that into you.” LOL.

I learned to be honest with and present to those around me, no matter what I’m going through. Truthfully, it took a few rough times in N.C to fully realize that one. As much as I want to withdraw to my own thoughts because that’s my trusty defense mechanism, I found how lonely and disconnected it leaves me feeling. I’ve always felt like you have to keep what hurts you a secret. There’s an incredible connection that comes from letting someone else know you trust them. There’s an incredible freedom in sharing what burdens you. When you finally get things off your chest, you can return to everything around you. I know that for me the important thing to remember is that “getting it off your chest” does not necessarily mean that you will feel 100% better or that you will forget what happened. I have a habit of confusing forgetting about something with feeling better about it. What happens to you will always be part of you and to run away from it just means you avoid learning some great, albeit hard to accept, lessons.

I’m also starting to get the feeling that once you start accepting the things that happened to you; the better you are at accepting who you are. To go into how hard that has been for me, would require a book not a blog. If you can’t understand or accept why you feel what you feel, how can you express it? If you can’t accept or love yourself, how can someone else? Worse, how do you believe they love you or want the opportunity to get to know you? If you stay withdrawn long enough, can people just give up on you? Will ever get that opportunity back? If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, how can expect others to be? It is far too difficult to try to be someone else or try and gauge who other want you to be.

The funniest part is that everyone around you is just waiting for “YOU.” I can name countless moments that would have gone a lot better if I had just been myself. Awhile ago, I concluded that things are most beautiful in their natural state. I hope (my New Year’s resolution?) is to never forget that.

Last year, I spent a lot of time thinking of ways to make myself better for someone else. I spent a lot of time thinking of what I might be lacking. It is definitely not the case this year, not even close. While I’m forced to look at my flaws, I am equally challenged to find my gifts. Not just find them but accept and hone them. Perhaps, I’ll find the level of self-confidence and self-acceptance I have been searching for? I know that I will never be perfect, that not everyone I encounter will like me, and that hard times are, inevitably, ahead. All I can do is to be present in the moment, remember what I have learned, accept new lessons, be aware of the support around me and never forget who I am.

This is def one of those blogs when I just rambled, but I needed the time to stop and see how far I have come. Thanks for reading :)